


His Commanding Officer

by lildragongirl19



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Drama, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, POV Animal, Sad Ending, dontpickafavoritecharacter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22520146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lildragongirl19/pseuds/lildragongirl19
Summary: His final day had come. I couldn’t outrun the danger, but I would carry him as far as I could.Spoiler: This story takes place during the events of Episodes 53 and 54 of Attack on Titan.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	His Commanding Officer

_“The youth walks up to the white horse, to put its halter on_

_and the horse looks at him in silence._

_They are so silent, they are in another world.”_

_-“The White Horse”, by David Herbert Lawrence_

Our legs can carry us far. That is what we were bred to do, after all. And although we had a distinct purpose, bred and raised to be utilized as tools, we were cared for. We seemed to understand that us horses were irreplaceable tools, because we carried what we learned to be the most valuable of cargo. We carried soldiers.

These selected individuals with us today in particular were among the greats. I could tell. They had their own stories, histories, and victories. Even if it was only the achievement of survival, any warrior among this group had made their mark and earned their medals. And yet, even among all the talent and skill in this group, there was an obvious chain of hierarchy. There was one that all the others looked up to, calling him a variety of things from “Commander,” “Leader,” and “Erwin”. He was my rider.

I could feel that he was important. There wasn’t anything truly significant about him visually, although he was tall enough to reach above my ears with his one remaining hand without difficulty. His blonde hair was striking, making him stand out among the majority of his companions. However, even someone like him, who was revered at an obviously high stature among the humans, seemed to carry a burden I could not see.

One time in the barn recently, before this last trip we set out on, he came with an apple in his pocket and a solemn demeanor. Telling me some quiet verbal praise and sharing comfortable silence while he brushed my mane, he kept me company for longer than his usual visits.

“I will see it,” he finally declared. My ears twitched and I munched on my hay. The one they call Erwin then left the barn with swift steps, the lamp light dancing off the shine on his boots.

The following day had a lot of human traffic in the barn. We weren’t unfamiliar with this behavior – the soldiers were gathering supplies and equipment for an expedition. I had been a part of all this before. Of course, I was one of the few that had returned time and time again to rest in my stall. Perhaps it was luck, or maybe I was just the fastest horse. Whatever the case, my tall shoulders and habit of surviving perilous encounters caught the attention of the small group tending to my stable. The first time I ever met my rider, he was escorted by them.

“This horse has come back multiple times without a rider. He’s a survivor,” they had claimed proudly.

Erwin looked me up and down then, apparently impressed. Gently, he reached up to brush my forelock. I bumped his arm with my nose, searching for any treats.

“He’s certainly not shy. Hopefully he won’t come back by himself next time,” Erwin chuckled.

Now with the commotion and noise, I suspected we were about embark again to the world outside the walls. I would be dressed to be spotless for the march past citizens. Erwin would approach me with his impressive stride, tackle and equipment clacking along his legs, to ascend onto my back and race into whatever adventure awaited us. I became excited thinking about it.

Some younger men approached my stall, one of them carrying a lead and halter. They were jittery, jabbering with each other in quick succession.

“Have you heard? About the mission briefing?” the one carrying my halter started.

“No, did you eavesdrop again?” the second replied shocked. “Do you want the Stable Master to find out?”

“Never mind that!” the first excused, looking around quickly before leaning towards his friend. “Listen. The rumors were true; we’re finally going to take back Wall Maria!”

The second hushed, glancing behind him again quickly to make sure no one was nearby.

“You think we can really do it?”

“Well duh!” the first exclaimed full volume again, reaching toward the latch of my stall door. “Have you seen all the new equipment the Engineering Corp brought down last night?”

“Yeah, but…it hasn’t been used in combat before. Commander Erwin isn’t necessarily known for coming back with the majority of his team.”

Hearing my rider’s name, I perked up. Stepping forward, I nudged the boy with the harness, who had turned around to face his friend. I had heard my rider’s name, and that made me impatient. My rider always had the best apples for me before a ride.

“Hey, easy boy!” the young man laughed after being jostled, turning around to pat my large neck. I waited quietly while he pulled the harness up, looping over my ears and securing under my chin. A thick lead was clicked underneath my jaw, and the boy gave a gentle tug to let me know we were stepping out of the stall.

“I don’t know man,” the second boy started again. “I guess I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”

“Stop being so pessimistic and have a little faith,” the first continued, holding my lead tight. I could tell with the slight shaking of the rope connecting us that he was trembling. “Something big is going to happen. I just know it.”

There wasn’t much jabbering about the future after that point. It was mostly hustle, bustle, and work around the barn. I was saddled, my mane and tail brushed out. Even my feet were looked at to make sure no pebbles or sticks were hiding. Then came the bridle and saddle, glistening from being recently oiled. From there, the enthusiastic stable boy slapped my shoulder with affection. Satisfied with his work, he wrapped my reins securely around the saddle so they wouldn’t bounce against my shoulders. He led me out into the later afternoon sun and headed towards the large wall surrounding our city.

We joined many other horses waiting there with their stable boys and girls. Along the wall were heavy, large pulleys and wide planks that were hoisted up to the top of the walls. Sometimes we were able to walk through a vast gate suspended above us, but sometimes the gate was too far away for a timely gallop. Instead, we would load up several teams at a time and ride the pulley up to the very top of the wall.

Once up there, we noticed many of our human riders were settled together. But we still waited, for the soldiers were looking back over the wall where we came from. There was a loud declaration, shouts and cheers from around, and then we heard the echo of the crowd inside the city drifting back up the wall returning the energy. Everyone was extremely spirited. The stable boy beside me reached up to pat my neck again as I stomped a hoof.

When the cries died down, I lifted my head as I saw the tall silhouette of Erwin approaching. I tossed my head slightly, snorting my welcome as he came close.

“Thank-you!” he acknowledged my stable boy first, placing his large hand on the young man’s soldier. “Everybody looks spectacular. The stable team have done an excellent job.”

The boy next to me practically beamed.

“Y-yes, Commander Erwin! Best of luck to you and the rest of the Scouts! We’ll be waiting for you to come home.”

Smith gave a smile of gratitude at that statement. Then he turned to me, wanting to reach up to check the buckles along my face. But I wasn’t interested in that. After all, I had been so patient all day with these stable hands – messing with my mane, shining my tackle, brushing my coat over and over. I stepped forward to pop my head against his torso, my nose pressing against his pockets. His hand came down on my head behind my ears to stabilize himself.

“Whoa! Okay, okay!” Instead of being irritable, he laughed heartily. “I get it, I’m sure you’ve been good today. Just a second, I don’t have it in my pocket today.”

I kept pushing into him, and he eventually jerked my head away. Feeling just a little dejected, I snorted loudly, causing both men to laugh again. The boy held onto my lead as Erwin walked just a short distance to what must have been his personal pack. Extracting from it, he pulled out the apple I had been searching for previously.

Returning, I took it greedily, my rider humming with approval as I crunched greedily. Now that I had been rewarded for all my tolerance today, I bowed my head with obedience. The stable boy removed my lead rope and stepped aside. Erwin came to my left and placed a foot in the stirrup. With deft experience, he hauled himself up, swinging his weight in one smooth motion into his position. When I felt the gentle pressure of his heels against my ribs, I knew he was secure. I felt him lean forward, and his wide hand patted at my neck affectionately.

“Let’s go,” he stated quietly before pulling my head to the right. The sun was sinking slowly, casting the darkness far ahead into the forests we were bound to head into. We must be making a night ride this time. 

My hooves clopped against the hard surface underneath me as we made our way towards our teammates. We took our turns as we each waited to descend onto the opposite side.

* * *

Many hours passed, and we still walked together into the night. Usually we would run, but here in this dense forest my rider continued on foot beside me, hand gripping my reigns way more tightly than necessary. I wondered briefly if he worried I would flee. I have never considered escaping from his lead. Those that previously rode on my back had been easily knocked off, but not Erwin. However, he continued to grasp the leather with admirable strength. Between the tension emanating off him and his fellow soldiers, I could sense that we were getting close to our destination. Ever since we descended on the far side of the walls, this anxious feeling grew within the group. All of us that walked on four legs could sense it, and on occasion one of us would whinny for momentary release.

Those actions were immediately shushed, the wide-eyed gleam of human eyes reflecting easily in the sparse lantern light that led our way.

For the most part we continued in as much silence as our equipment would allow. The strain of leather being stretched, the deep exhale of a companion horse next to me, the crunch of a small branch underneath a heavy boot…these sounds were all we noticed for miles.

“I’m aware we’re supposed to be quiet, but you’re being remarkably antisocial.”

The soft voice slipped into the silence without any disturbance, the timbre blending in with the forest sounds. No other creature seemed to hear it, but my ears flicked with the interruption. My rider turned to look behind him, a slight smirk on his face.

“Were you missing the pleasure of conversation?” he replied. Erwin’s comment was returned with an audible scoff.

The one who spoke first, a person of much shorter stature, strode shortly behind us. He led his own black stallion, a horse only slightly smaller than myself. It was almost a comical comparison. Yet this man’s wiry limbs could propel his lighter weight with ease onto his horse’s back. For a human he had tremendous agility.

“I’m only mentioning it,” the other began again irritably, “because this anxious dread surrounding the men is bothering the horses. People are terrible at hiding their nerves. Animals pick up on that.”

With that comment, Erwin did chuckle softly.

“I shouldn’t be surprised. The only bit of concern you express at a time like this is for your horse.”

“He’s a damn good horse,” the shorter man spat.

Erwin laughed again, briefly placing his hand by the head of the saddle for an affectionate scratch. I picked up my feet a little higher to let him know my feelings weren’t hurt.

“The men will be fine,” Erwin commented a little later. I sensed the shorter man turn his attention back to his commander. “When the time is right, I’ll do my best to ease that tension. Try to bear it until then.”

The other man accepted the statement with a huff, shifting the weight of his pack on his shoulders and fidgeting with his horse’s reigns to pass the time.

Among the soldiers we all had carried today, this short one in particular created the most unease in the group. But his somewhat unsettling demeanor did not disturb us horses. He treated his stallion extremely well. As far as a horse was concerned, he was a good man.

Many of the humans didn’t feel quite the same, but no sentient creature could miss the great amount of respect and honor he received. Everyone looked up to him (figurately of course). My rider held him in high regard and said his name often. What was it again? I think… “Levi” it was. Something that I noticed that humans inclined to do with something or someone important to them is to talk about it frequently. My rider in particular spoke of him often. He must have admired him greatly.

The group continued on without any additional interruption until the forest finally gave way and revealed the dim glowing orange of an approaching sunrise. At Erwin’s command, we paused at the threshold of the clearing, looking at the new walls that stood before us.

We could see the entrance gate from where we stood, but there was no door standing. I had not been here before, but I recognized the structure from many I have walked through. It gaped open in ruins, revealing remnants of a decimated city inside.

The atmosphere surrounding Erwin abruptly changed. The skin on my flanks twitched in response, and I shook my head briefly, causing my tackle to clank in the silence. Erwin stared at me briefly, and I quieted under his gaze.

After a moment, he abruptly pivoted and faced his men.

“Scouts! On your horses!”

Their affirmative rang clear, and everyone quickly mounted. I stomped the ground, anticipating that we were about to finally run again. The clearing wasn’t very wide to the walls, but the air surrounding me had such static electricity in it I barely could contain myself. Even that short of a sprint would be satisfying.

With a glance to my left, Levi was already there seated on his black steed, the horse’s long tail swishing in agitation. There was so much more noise compared to the evening walk we trudged. All the animals needed to run.

And then before we could barely hold our stance any longer, Erwin finally gave the command to charge. We lunged forward into the sunlight, buckles and manes flashing. The earth gave way beneath our hooves, creating a cloud of brown dust behind us. We raced straight for a small village surrounding the obliterated gate. No enemies appeared. No monsters lashed out. It was just us and our riders and the wind.

As we approached, the wreckage of the city revealed itself in more detail. Our feet echoed in between the abandoned buildings. The road was littered with broken pieces of stone and wood. Evidence of a human presence remained scattered around – discarded dishes, broken vases, even a child’s shoe left behind as remnants of a hasty evacuation.

I felt Erwin rise in his seat, and then the reins bounced against my neck as he let them go. I continued my racing, maintaining my course to make sure he didn’t waver or fall. That familiar gust of gas and hissing of cords burst behind my ears. His anchor hooks launched forward towards the walls, latching securely on. The next instant, the weight was lifted off of me.

Erwin rose to the wall with many others, but not all. Several scouts near the front stayed mounted, leading the herd into the center of the outer town. But those that soared above left their shadows behind, escalating quickly to surmount the towering barrier. The rest of us followed our lead, eventually turning with those in the front into a giant circle to slow down our advance.

The destroyed gateway stood barren nearby. We came close to the wall into a small clearing complete with hitching rails and an area overgrown for grazing.

“Whoa! Whoa! Easy there!”

Our thundering slowed and quieted, a few of my brethren releasing a shrill whinny in disappointment. Levi’s black stallion reared briefly, brandishing his front hooves. His rider had also vacated him with the other soldiers to scale the wall. The herd was restless. We weren’t ready to stop running, but apparently there was no more to run to. We had done our job for now.

With some coercion and a perhaps an apple or two, we all calmed down. I came to drop my head in the grasses nearby, and for a long time there was peace.

The solace was shattered by a large explosion echoing inside the walls we were stationed outside. The walls themselves vibrated against the force. The sky darkened slightly with a cloud of dust that drifted upward, making the sunshine hazy. When the few soldiers with us had gathered their wits, determining that their hearts hadn’t leapt out of their chests, the earth beneath our hooves started to tremble. Our swiveling ears caught the shift in the wind, and the shaking underneath grew into a rumble. The houses around us visibly quivered. Human and horse alike recognized the dreadful sensation. Monsters were running toward us.

We needed to move, but those few people that stood with us soothed us with pats and voices. The hissing of our riders’ mechanics returned from above, and I tossed my head as several shadows whizzed by.

“Slay the titans! Protect the horses at all cost!”

I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, but if the vibrations detected by my feet were accurate, it seemed like the monsters were on both sides of the wall. Based on the terror that reflected in the eyes of those few humans with us on the ground, we had become trapped. I suddenly wondered if this was the first battle our escorts had ever seen. 

The ground shook on occasion, signaling the fall of another titan. Some of them got close, one even coming around the corner of a house briefly to flail its limbs hungrily at us. But the giant didn’t make two more steps before blood spurt from his nape. The shadow of a soldier dashed past, and the fight continued.

Eventually, the ground calmed. The smell of ash and flesh was strong in the air. The haze of the sun had darkened even further, the smoke from titan carcasses enveloping much of the town. All of the soldiers I could see took a moment to breathe on top of buildings, wondering what the next step would be. Some covered their faces with their arms, exhaustion overcoming them.

The quiet was short lived.

“Take cover!!”

A shrill whistling filled my ears, and I jerked when the building closest to the herd smashed under a boulder that fell from the sky. Wood splintered and spat in all directions, the sound of the impact deafening. Before I could bolt, another rock pelted the ground nearby as well. Pebbles and smaller rocks rained downward with them, a heavy one striking my croup. The pain and shock almost made me fall, my rear being forced toward the ground. But my fear was stronger than my pain. I kicked myself up, shaking my head to make sure none of my tackle was caught.

Despite the surprise and the obvious fear, the humans with us reacted quickly. We were escorted elsewhere, the inexperienced soldiers turning white in their flourish. My brothers and sisters fed off it; we were becoming panicked. Some even reared against the people leading them, fighting against our training in an attempt to escape.

When we finally did arrive at our respite, the sky became filled with plummeting stones again. Boulders and rocks rained down in a cascade, destroying the structures, people, and horses they encountered. Everything erupted into chaos.

In a jolt of fright, my instincts getting the better of me, I reared and yanked away from my escort, his hands preoccupied with covering his own ears. I bolted away, searching for any sort of security. I couldn’t hear outside the loud exhales from my nostrils and the clamor of my hooves. I continued around a corner, skidding to a stop under an overhang from a tavern still standing. Among the disruption and rain of debris, I abruptly came to realize I wasn’t alone. Coming along the tremendous wall that surrounded the city, I had cantered into a hideaway to discover Erwin and Levi together. I froze in my corner to watch the humans. The terror didn’t halt around us, but as strange as it seemed this one spot contained some solace. I became entranced as I watched.

Levi was upright and alert, watching the sky with a troubled expression. Erwin was sitting, appearing completely unaware of the destruction around him. Levi noticed me come to a halt nearby, but my rider continued to look at the ground. Shoulders slumped, he looked utterly defeated and forlorn.

The shorter man with the stare of ice looked back at his commander.

“So Erwin, what kind of plan do you have now?” Levi’s voice was harsh and blunt. The taller man didn’t immediately respond, continuing to watch the ground as if the answer would suddenly appear before him.

“Erwin!” Levi snapped after too long of a pause. This outburst did bring a reaction from my rider, his face grimacing as his remaining hand came up to hold his head in what could only be described as devastation.

He stated some things, but with the rain of stone and explosion of earth around me, it was difficult to hear. Levi approached his commanding officer, kneeling down to view Erwin from below. They spoke to one another, a discussion that only the two of them would ever hear, completely separated from the entirety of the world.

Levi didn’t move from his submissive position but spoke earnestly. Erwin’s facial expressions changed slightly as Levi spoke. The disappointment transformed to something I had only personally seen once before. Once after we returned home with so few, he had entered the stable late at night with a partially empty glass bottle in hand and a vacant look in his eyes. It was an expression that depicted overwhelming sorrow. 

When the whistling and rumbling again quieted briefly, I finally was able to hear Levi speak.

“I will defeat the Beast Titan. I swear it.” 

Whatever grave disappointment my rider was experiencing, the despair visibly lifted at these words. It was replaced with what could almost be described as relief.

The scenery changed slightly. If any other had been present, they probably wouldn’t have noticed it, but I did. My ears twitched again, sensing the shift between the two men. The silence that stretched in that space was not an empty atmosphere. Instead, I sensed the descent of calm in those moments. Even with all the carnage and debris at our feet, my rider smiled. It was with confidence, assurance, and acceptance that Erwin gave his smile.

The solider before him stood, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

“Is that what you really feel is the only answer?”

“Yes,” Erwin replied tersely. “We have lost. But we aren’t done with the fight. It is what we have left to do as soldiers.”

Levi looked away, considering the proposition briefly. But he must have come to the same conclusion, because he eventually nodded.

“I’m counting on you to convince them. You’re the only one who can.”

Erwin chuckled. “I know pep talks aren’t your strong suit.”

The silence drew on again, and I stamped my foot agitated. The peace would only last so long, I had come to learn. Now was the time to act.

My motions caught the attention of the men, and I noticed Erwin’s shoulders lift with surprise at seeing me. A smile appeared on his lips again.

“Let’s get going,” he motioned to Levi as he stood. I trotted to meet him.

I nudged him eagerly, my muzzle brushing up against his coat. I smelled sweat and mud along with a faint linger of blood. But the sweetness I was hoping for wasn’t there.

“I’m very sorry,” he apologized sadly. “I don’t have any more apples with me. That was our last one.”

I snorted loudly, but I didn’t allow the disappointment to linger. Instead I lowered my head, gladly accepting a scratch behind the ears instead.

We held our ground for only a moment, but it was that moment I came to suspect what fate lay ahead for all of us. Erwin then grasped my dangling reins, and we hurried back to the others.

* * *

The soldiers were, to say the least, not thrilled about the initial prospect. In fact, within those moments of quiet where Erwin explained his final plan, the air became so heavy with dread I worried I wouldn’t be able to lift my feet because of the weight.

Levi stood shortly to the side, watching as his commanding officer described the surrounding circumstances with such excruciating curtness. One soldier turned to vomit. Another fell to her knees, covering her face. The escorts that were back by us gripped our reins with such force their knuckles turned white.

Terror threatened to consume them. Many yelled in despair, angrily demanding some sort of reason or reckoning to justify what had been decided for them. Erwin lowered his head, his own confidence fading.

“All of you, shut up!” Levi snapped. The solider with a stare of ice brought the cries to a halt with one command. He glared at Erwin then, seemingly blaming his superior for the soldiers approaching the brink of panic. Erwin sighed, a small smile appearing again while under the more familiar glare of Humanity’s Strongest Soldier.

“You’re all right, you know,” Erwin began. He came to face his soldiers again. “You are absolutely justified in your feelings and your fears. What I am asking of you is not fair.

“However,” he continued louder. “Life rarely rewards us with fairness. And among our despairs we have a choice of how to carry these burdens. A choice of how to present ourselves and shout back our defiance against the world.”

Erwin brought up his single hand, creating a fist to cover his heart.

“Survival is not an option for us. But from here, we still have a choice of what we leave behind. Anger, defiance, pride, determination, fear, honor - all of these things will be remembered for those that survive after us. It’s the immortal impact of a legacy.”

The soldiers shifted in unease, but many of them started to visibly breathe again rather than hold their breath in fear or rage. 

“It is also our duty as soldiers!” Erwin shouted, making several closest to him jump slightly. Everyone’s eyes snapped up to view their commander. “It is an order, a command that we cannot refuse as those who enlisted to protect what is precious to us! Stand up and fight! Defy against all odds and leave your mark like the stubborn humans you are!!”

Although the despair remained in the air, it did significantly shift. A horse whinnied behind me. A few members of the Scouts suddenly cheered. More joined them. Within a minute, the desolation among the people had dissipated.

We horses are powerful in our own right. Our physical strength easily surpasses the humans that ride us. We can carry more, our feet can kill with a single blow, and we can run further than any other creature I’ve met.

But when their voices rose above the buildings, as my rider asked them to dedicate their hearts one more time, the sounds reverberated with an overwhelming fury. It was remarkable, and the voices created an energy that astounded all of us. We stamped our hooves in anticipation.

When the remaining soldiers mounted, the energy became electric. I quivered under the weight of my rider, his presence an exhilaration. 

I felt his hand pat my withers, his voice showering me with praise. With that assurance, the crumbling buildings around me didn’t seem quite as empty nor as intimidating. With a salute we took off, our herd maneuvering between the rubble towards the expanse that would eventually lead us to our doom.

As we passed the crumbling structures, the soot and smoke gave way to clearer skies. The landscape brightened as we excited the outer city. Our fur glistened with sweat in the sunshine, and the winds picked up to lift our tails high. Interweaved among the thunder of our hooves were deep, pulsing snorts as we breathed. We no longer hid as prey, but instead we ran freely again.

My rider’s voice carried forward beyond my ears. As the horse that carried the Commander, I strode out in front. Because of this, our vision was not blocked to the horror that loomed ahead. And yet, I never sensed any hesitation. That feeling was long gone. I fed off his fortitude, and the energy suppressed my instincts deep inside to run away. Beside and to my rear, my brethren sprinted unyielding with me.

My greatest hope with this final sprint of ours, is that our riders’ declaration would not become a floating memory. Instead, I imagined it recorded within the pages of a book. Humans liked to do that, to encompass History among words. My rider frequently held one in his hands when he had visited the barn, as if he wanted to carry a bit of the world with him wherever he went.

I suspected this is what Erwin had in mind when he gave his speech to his subordinates. A promise that our existence wouldn’t be forgotten.

The wind rushed forward with the roar we created, setting free our spirits and cries. They were mingled and mixed with all sorts of emotions: bravery, courage, cowardice, despair, hope, and futility. But despite all this, our path never wavered. We all pushed forward, human and horse alike, carrying our wishes on our backs as we raced to our deaths. 

End 

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note:
> 
> My heart will never learn its lesson of “don’t pick a favorite character.” It just never will.
> 
> I haven’t written anything since 2013. That was six years ago. I haven’t read that much either, but putting my own thoughts into words on a word document has been the more difficult task. I started one story and never finished it. I took more notes for two novels I want to write someday but never got further than that.
> 
> Then all of the sudden my head got several ideas for fanfiction stories, and I knew I had to take this inspiration to practice writing again before it disappeared. Hopefully more will come, but here is what I have for now.


End file.
